breathe peace

I am toooooo young!!!!!!  that's all i have to say!!!  my mom is being a crazy lady and trying to hook me up with some guy!!!  I told her that I'm too young, only 21.  But she said that pretty soon I'll be 30, or 35 and single!!!  I asked what was wrong with that, and of course she came up with some type of preposterous comeback.  Something along the lines of, you'll be too old, all the guys that age will be taken, you'll have to start looking at bars...or online...ridiculous!!!!

i love being alone with coffee and my laptop.  just to have time to myself and breathe.  things are starting to become clearer.  my burden is becoming lighter.  ahh...i can almost breathe!  this would be an excellent day for swinging!

 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" -Matthew 6:25-27

so what if I don't know where i'll be living next year?  it's k, i have faith!  In Jesus' name!!!

how do you end homelessness?!?!  if it could be done, wouldn't it have already been done by now?!?!

so hard to trust in you, Lord.

let's start anew.  this is good. 

I'm so tired. Yet you say, "You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope..."

God, I feel like the ground underneath me is breaking.  I can't tell left from right, up from down.  and yet you say, "You're blessed when you feel you've los what is most dear to you..."

You say, "You're blessed when you're content with just who you are--no more, no less..." but I am so discontent.  I secretly feel like I'm the one who's wrong, who didn't do enough, or isn't good enough.

Where are you?

"You're blessed when you get your inside world -- your mind and heart -- put right.  Then you can see God in the outside world."  Is my discontent causing this fog?  Is that why things are so blurry?

"You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight.  That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family."  How?  Please humble me.  Show me how.

"Count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me.  What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable."  Why is this so hard?  How is this a blessing?  Can this possibly be a blessing? 

Meet me here.  Please.  Light my fire.  Comfort me.  Guide me.  Humble me.  Please, God, please.

(excerpts from Matthew 5, the Message)

"Trafficked women and girls usually arrive at their first workplace owing between 10,000 and 20,000 Baht (300-600 USD) to the brothel owner.  Their wages are further deducted for room and board, for clothes and makeup, sometimes for condoms, for antibiotics to treat STDs and for contraception.  Contraception is generally hormonal, and usually given in sufficient doses to prevent not only pregnancy, but menstruation, since menstrual cycles may mean days lost from work.  After these deductions, a debt-bonded worker usually earns 15 Baht (about 70 cents) for each client she serves.  It is this money with which she has to pay off the debt.  It can easily take up to a thousand or more sex acts to pay off debts, and many women are unable to do this.  Some, particularly tribal women and rural Shans, are innumerat -- they cannot count and so cannot keep track of their debts and wages.  These girls can become trapped in debt bondage.  When a woman does, finally, break even, the owner is supposed to start paying her.  And this is often when brothel owners will call the police for a raid.  It generally costs 3000 Baht in bribes to get a woman without papers out of jail.  The brothel owners pay this, and then the woman will be back in debt."

 - Shan Women and Girls and the Sex Industry in Southeast Asia; Political Causes and Human Rights Implications by Chris Beyrer

...and the cycle continues...

how? and why?  I can't help but ask myself.  how? and why?  how? How? HOW?!  How does this happen?!?!?! and WHY?!  Why the f*** does this happen?!?!  It doesn't make any sense!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Psalm 73

 1 A psalm of Asaph.
      Surely God is good to Israel,
       to those who are pure in heart.

 2 But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
       I had nearly lost my foothold.

 3 For I envied the arrogant
       when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

 4 They have no struggles;
       their bodies are healthy and strong. ^[a]

 5 They are free from the burdens common to man;
       they are not plagued by human ills.

 6 Therefore pride is their necklace;
       they clothe themselves with violence.

 7 From their callous hearts comes iniquity ^[b] ;
       the evil conceits of their minds know no limits.

 8 They scoff, and speak with malice;
       in their arrogance they threaten oppression.

 9 Their mouths lay claim to heaven,
       and their tongues take possession of the earth.

 10 Therefore their people turn to them
       and drink up waters in abundance. ^[c]

 11 They say, "How can God know?
       Does the Most High have knowledge?"

 12 This is what the wicked are like—
       always carefree, they increase in wealth.

 13 Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure;
       in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.

 14 All day long I have been plagued;
       I have been punished every morning.

 15 If I had said, "I will speak thus,"
       I would have betrayed your children.

 16 When I tried to understand all this,
       it was oppressive to me

 17 till I entered the sanctuary of God;
       then I understood their final destiny.

 18 Surely you place them on slippery ground;
       you cast them down to ruin.

 19 How suddenly are they destroyed,
       completely swept away by terrors!

 20 As a dream when one awakes,
       so when you arise, O Lord,
       you will despise them as fantasies.

 21 When my heart was grieved
       and my spirit embittered,

 22 I was senseless and ignorant;
       I was a brute beast before you.

 23 Yet I am always with you;
       you hold me by my right hand.

 24 You guide me with your counsel,
       and afterward you will take me into glory.

 25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
       And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

 26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
       but God is the strength of my heart
       and my portion forever.

 27 Those who are far from you will perish;
       you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.

 28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
       I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
       I will tell of all your deeds.

When I go to court, I'm normally only there for a 4 hour shift.  Mostly, I listen to women tell me what they're feeling: fear, anxiety, hopelessness, etc.  Oftentimes I get to know maybe 1 person.  But because I'm there for only 4 hours, I normally don't get to see the end result of these cases.  So I hear the struggle, pain, and heartache, but never get to experience the resolution and rejoicing.  But Friday was full of blessings and surprises!

Client #1: Instead of being afraid or hesitant about leaving her partner, she was ready.  She was full of life and energy.  She was ready for a change! 

Client #2: She was extremely nervous about the situation, but in the end, her partner agreed to the protective order!  She was so relieved, as if a huge weight was lifted off her shoulders.  I saw her leave the room smiling!

Client #3: A man of great faith.  He spoke of wanting a marriage that included companionship and compromise.  He made the decision to be proactive by applying for the protective order versus being reactive and hitting his wife.

Client #4: She walked into the room crying with joy after her hearing, when her partner agreed to the protective order.  She was so happy.  The idea of not living in fear.  I saw a red scar across her neck.

"And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." -Romans 5:2-5

I volunteer as a legal advocate for SafePlace, a domestic violence survivor center.  My job is to comfort and relay information about SafePlace services to individuals who are in court getting protective orders.  It's a big step for a person to take.  Requesting a protective order means saying bye to your relationship, possibly your marriage, and putting yourself in potential danger if your partner chooses to retaliate.  This process is by no means clean or easy, and especially if you have kids!

I met a woman today who was "nervous."  She must have been scared, anxious, tired, angry, and frustrated to say the least.  She looked like any other women.  She was pretty, had a beautiful white smile, strong personality.  I could tell that she was full of life and passion.  She said to me, "I have high self-esteem.  My friends tell me, they'd never think that I'd be the type of person who'd be in an abusive relationship!" 

"I once had a friend who was in an abusive relationship, but I didn't understand how she could go back to someone who was hurting her until I was in one.  Then you have people ask you all the time, 'why are you staying in the relationship' as if you want to get hurt.  I don't want to get punched or choked!  But then the other person says they love you, and you want to believe them."

"I used to be so trusting.  I was friendly to everybody.  Now I have to stop and ask, who are you?  What's your purpose in my life?  Are you here to help me? or hurt me?"

Of course you want to believe someone when they say they love you.  You shouldn't have to ask twice, you shouldn't have to reevaluate someone's motives.  You shouldn't have to live in fear.  As humans, we weren't born into this world prepared to battle the ugliness, hatred, and darkness.  We hold on to these empty lies because we want so badly to believe it's true.  Because in the end, all we want is a little love & peace.

Do you know how beautiful you are?  Did you know that you're a princess?  Your father made you absolutely perfect.  and you deserve to be loved and feel loved.  Thank you for your strength.  Thank you for letting me pray with you and share in your weakness.   I know that your perspective is small right now, but God has plans for you, plans to prosper you, not to harm you.  Plans that will give you hope and a future.  Thank you, you may not know it, but you've been a blessing in my life.

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." - James 1:27